This letter is for my series Coco Melted Chai, this person wanted to write about discrimination but one you’d have against yourself. For example loving yourself and taking pride in who you are and how you are made, and appreciating it all. This is her side of discrimination (to note or distinguish as different).
Some nights I cried myself to sleep. I cried because I couldn’t fully love myself. In middle I found it so hard to be comfortable in my own skin. I wanted to be perfect, I wanted my skin perfect , my body perfect, hair perfect everything. Some nights I still cry. When I cry I think to myself “how long will it be before finally losing weight. I tried in so many ways to lose weight , diet people , detox water,excise , starvation, and becoming vegetarian . I went through a phase where I wanted to be a lighter complexion. This was when my eyes started to open and I see colorism and racism. I hate going shopping, looking in the mirror and everything that involved seeing myself. When this was happening I moved to Alabama and the first two year on me living there I had no friends. I was alone by myself all the time my parents were always working so it was just me. As I got older I started growing and with growth I realized that me 12,13, and 14, year old self was tripping. I realized that there are plus size models and that there is models of a darker complexion, even darker then mines. I use to think that being dark skin and big was ugly and that I couldn’t be pretty. The media proved me wrong. I learned self love something that can be taught but can’t really be taught if you never disliked what you saw in the mirror in the first place. I started gaining self love when I became comfortable with myself. When I started seeing my own worth and being myself I loved myself. Shortly after that I wanted to lose weight again. Not because I didn’t love myself, because I loved myself enough to want to live a healthier life. I want to were crops tops and short ; and I do even though I haven’t reached my goal yet I do were a crop top and shorts. I went right into public with that one and I felt no shame no one stared like I thought , I just received smiles. Even if I didn’t receive those smiles I still would’ve been happy. That to me is self love. No matter what people say and how they feels when you wear certain things… You don’t care. Loving your self so much that you want to change because you want a healthier life and to live longer. People love your self no matter what people say. Look in the mirror and be proud of what you see.
“A man cannot be comfortable without his own approval.”
– Mark Twain